There have been times in the past six years when I have felt to open myself up to my readers, regardless of ridicule or unkind responses.
This is one of those times.
I was talking with a sister in Christ today about how I was feeling. I can be myself with this sister. She never judges and she is a great listener. When I told her how I was feeling, she said to me that I would not believe how many Christians have written to her, expressing these same feelings.
I wrote not too long ago about the Loneliness of the Christian in these last days. I must say that I did not expect the number of emails about that article; mostly women telling me how they were struggling with this like never before.
Many thanked me for my honesty. I was glad that I wrote what was in my heart.
I have written many times that I have struggled with depression since childhood. I wouldn’t call it clinical depression – perhaps situational depression would be better.
Things that I’ve loved to do became more of a chore. Even my writing, which is my favorite thing to do for the Lord; I have questioned whether it might be coming to an end. But that didn’t make any sense to me. If anything, I would think that my writing would be even more important in these dark days.
I would pray to the Lord that if He wanted me to write, that He would let me know what that was. I heard nothing. This is the first time that this has happened in many years.
Ordinarily, I would open up my eyes in the morning and would feel energized and ready to do whatever the Lord would have me do. But not recently. Now, I open my eyes and wonder if I can even make it through another day.
A Terrible Confession
As my depression seemed to turn into total despair, I have actually gotten on my knees and asked the Lord if He would take me home. I’m sorry if this sounds very selfish, but I am opening up my heart and emotions to the reader. I must write how I am feeling.
Some of you may think “She should be stronger” or “She should be encouraging us.” Maybe this is a request for prayer – I just don’t know. But I think that Jesus wanted me to tell you just how low I have sunk.
I would never take my own life. NEVER. But asking Jesus to take me home is not suicidal. It is telling the One I love more than anyone in the world that I think that I’m at the end of my rope.
Smile and be Happy, Right?
I remember a woman in one of the first churches I ever attended, saw me in the hallway and asked what was wrong. I was not aware that my face reflected how I was feeling. I didn’t say much except that I felt a little down.
This woman gave me a lecture that Christians are supposed to smile even if we are dying on the inside. I asked her if that was not being disingenuous to put on the smile. She said that Jesus wants us to do this.
The Wickedness of this World
It really does not take very much digging to see that this world is NOTHING like it was when we were growing up. Sometimes it actually takes my breath away. Children in schools being taught the most obscene and disgusting things. Drag Queens reading to our children and the parents of those children acting like they are doing such a wonderful thing for their kids. It’s hard to even take this in.
What Happened to my Children?
Really – what happened to my three beautiful children who only wanted to hear Bible stories, and sing Christian songs; and draw pictures of Jesus and the Cross. What happened to them?
I went through a time when I blamed myself. Certainly it had to be something I did. My children are grown now with children of their own. They laugh and view me as a Jesus Freak. They don’t know why I take this so seriously. They say that they don’t even believe there is a God.
To say this breaks my heart is a gross understatement. If any of the readers have gone through this, have you met families who project that everything with their children is so perfect – everyone is saved and everything is just as it should be?
Maybe there are perfect Christian families. They are so blessed if it’s true.
Brethren, thank you for taking the time to read what is happening in my heart. I’m really not sure, if I do get responses, what those will be. But you know, that doesn’t really matter.
I feel so much better having written this piece.
This I know: God is good ALL the time; and ALL the time God is good.
“Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted in me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him for the help of his countenance. O my God, my soul is cast down within me: therefore will I remember thee from the land of Jordan, and of the Hermonites, from the hill Mizar.
Deep calleth unto deep at the noise of thy waterspouts: all thy waves and thy billows are gone over me. Yet the Lord will command his lovingkindness in the day time, and in the night his song shall be with me, and my prayer unto the God of my life.
I will say unto God my rock, Why hast thou forgotten me? why go I mourning because of the oppression of the enemy? As with a sword in my bones, mine enemies reproach me; while they say daily unto me, Where is thy God?
Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God”. (Psalm 42:5-11) KJV
34 thoughts on “From Loneliness to Depression and Despair”
Hello Geri from downunder in New Zealand
Your situation parallels mind almost exactly! My grown children (48 and 46) not only make fun of me, but my 48 year old son told ne two years ago that he wanted nothing further to do with me because of my ‘warped’ ideas. I haven’t seen him since and he returned my Christmas gifts last year. My daughter still talks to me but her husband is very scathing of my faith and has Buddhist leanings (my daughter is a yoga teacher 🙁 ).
I wake every morning with a churning stomach and somehow get through my days. I run a charity for at risk kids using horses as catalysts for engaging with them, and it is very challenging work but it makes me get out of bed in the mornings.
All I want to do is go home to be with Jesus, and I know that we are just two of many for whom that is the only solution to the despair we experience as we look at this wicked world.
Be encouraged – you are not alone. I will remember you whenever I’m down, and will pray for you as I know you’ll do for me.
Your sister in Christ
PO Box 8869
Havelock North 4157
Ph. 06 8796332
God bless you sis. I will remember you when I’m down and when I approach the throne of Grace with my prayers. MARANATHA!
Geri, I am where you are. Thanks for sharing. I know I’m not alone.
Thank you for sharing this, I share the same thing going on right now, all I am able to do is say God I trust you even though the darkness stays, You are good. Put on the whole armor of God and having done all STAND. I pray this for me and you. Again thank you for your writing. Bette
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Thank you for your words of encouragement!
Geri, I understand exactly what you are expressing in this letter. Today, I couldn’t bear to face the day. It was so difficult to get out of bed; depression and oppression facing me. I can’t stand to face another day of this wicked world in which we live.
You are right about how things have changed since we were children. I am 65, and when we were
kids our elders shielded us from what was unseemly or fearful. We were innocent, we played innocent games, we had fun and could play in our yards and neighborhoods without fear.
It is hard to believe how society can accept the indoctrination of children into the LGBTQ+ agenda
and teach them such immoral wickedness. Is there no end to their depraved minds? Sadly, we
know there is not. Yes, Satan and his minions are having their heyday as they drag themselves and others to Hell. There is a spirit of anarchy, rebellion, hatred for what is good, lies, wickedness of all kinds prevalent in the world today; and it IS depressing to bear.
Yet, we know that this world is not our HOME. Jesus’s precious promises to us will be fulfilled and
we will be with Him for eternity. Think of it! We will be with Him for eternity, while those who defile
themselves will be paid the recompense of hating Jesus and all that is Godly. It is a fearful thing
to fall into the hands of the Living God! I pity them and pray for them, but our righteous indignation
is understandable. Our spirits long for what is Holy and Pure.
Our sovereign God will send His Son at the appointed time to come again and all will kneel before Him and acknowledge Him as LORD! Maranantha!!
I love you, Geri, even though you don’t know me. I pray for you and your family. God is with us and will never abandon us even if the world does.
I love you too. We are related through Yeshua. I believe that we will know one another in heaven
I got used to being alone after the divorce. It wasn’t easy, almost didn’t know how to go grocery shopping alone. Started needing to get used to lonliness when my siblings and parents disowned me right around that time. All the female narcistic things, gaslighting, the flying monkeys, the outright lies and sinister entrapments.
I first started carrying a little New Testament in my shirt pocket where my cigarettes used to be in around grade 11. Seems I’ve been alone since. I had a deep mind searing experience on the other side of “the veil”, twice now actually, will never forget it. I was shocked there was nobody there, nothing at all, just a translucent white glow from all sides, above, below, the sides, and it struck me, there is nobody at all except God and me. At least that was the take-a-way.
That was when I was 15. Now I’m 62. Still alone. I get real lonley from time to time and the need for companionship has driven me to getting drunk too many times, I don’t and never did use hard drugs. Fiddled with coke a little bit about a year after the seperation prior to the divorce.
Just had to know. It’s not the thing you can read in a book and understand how your wife started screwing around on you when you were recoverring from a near fatal heart attack with doctor’s orders not to work at all for a full year. Hard to really understand how 14 or 15 thousand dollars you had saved and was earmarked for paying the mortgage, the needs of 3 boys, providing “shiny objects” for the wife that you found out later had in fact administered that poison that darn near killed you.
Still alone. Moved over 175 times now since I was 18, and got this really nice place about 6 months ago. Stuck to myself, read my e-sword bible I have on my computer every morning, pondered, prayed, decided the Bible is right and I don’t need a woman to divert my attention, make petulant demands and distract me from focusing on doing The Lord’s Will as I saw it.
Was faithful all those years and not for lack of opportunity. When you are a sound reinforcist and mix many bands a week to earn an income, you have opportunity all around, especially the New Years Eve gigs, heck, there’s even “soundman groupies” same as guitar groupies,
Was faithful and devoted, always sharing and caring, not just for my then family but others along the way, literally the shirt off my back.
Same thing recently. I shut every single person that was a real bad or negative influence on me, energy vampires, fakers, ridiculers and lived 6 months here in this building with the beautiful appartment I have and totally ignorred the other people, didn’t want to let negatives and unbelievers run rampant over me in my own place, and didn’t tell a soul where I was living.
A month ago the lonliness became pretty bad again, started having the odd beer once in a while and came into a little bit of extra money. The neighbor in the suite below mine was having a terrible time, his mom is dying, he’s got bad injurues, his daughter won’t talk to him at all, he’s been in the pen.
Jesus visited people in the prisons and consorted with prostitutes and thieves to “show them the way, the light”, and I really try. Decided this dude needed someone ‘stable’ and ‘enlightened’ to help show him the way.
That was a month ago and since then the fellow has not repaid one cent I loaned him while he was waiting for his unemployment insurance to kick in, vouched for him to the landlord, helped him see that he had to get rid of the hangers on and the riff raff or look at getting evicted, gave him meals, cigarettes(can’t seem to quit that one), furnitures, fixed his computer, and now I’m getting nothing but disdain, hatred and violence in return.
Maybe it’s my cross to bear, maybe it’s totally true that when you Love God, the world hates you with vile bitterness. Maybe it’s true in the end that just like the good samaritan, no good deed goes unpunished in the end, and maybe it’s true that all there really is, is just you and God.
I LOVE THIS: “maybe it’s true that all there really is, is just you and God” and the beauty of that statement is that it is TRUTH. HE is all we need.
Thank you for sharing your heart and soul. I am with you. I am lonely, too. I share your pain as I have grown children too and they are not saved. But Geri, listen to me. We have a Savior who has not left us nor forsaken us. And He has promised us that whatever we asked in His name, we would have it. Pray for your children and keep praying for them. He hears you. He told us that He desires that none should perish. Believe Him. If that is His desire and your desire is that your children and loved ones are saved, why would He not grant you what you have asked of Him? Trust Him and His word.
As I read your words today, I was reminded of the A.W. Tozer excerpt on the Loneliness of the Christian. You wrote about that Geri. I had read and printed it many, many years ago. We have all felt it. It is par for the course as we walk this narrow, difficult road. Our Lord felt it in the Garden of Gethsemane and on the Cross. You are not alone Dear Sister. We haven’t met but I share your pain and despair.
But let me say this. I have been reading your articles for a number of years now and have never commented before but I’m here. I learn from you. Just like you poured your heart and soul out in this article, you do that in every article you write, whether about politics, or the social evils of this world. We need to hear it, Geri. We need to know. Our Lord is informing me through you. How can you stop? You cannot leave us without that knowledge that you so painstakingly put together for us. This world is swirling right now in a frenzy of evil. We are getting close and we need to hear what God puts on your heart to tell us. We need to fast; we need to pray! We need to put on the full armor and fight with those weapons that are not carnal. So get up every morning and pour your heart out for me and so many out there like me. God is there and He has given you a word. God bless you, my Sister in Christ!
You have brought me to tears. But this I must say to you: I am blessed that God has used me in some way to bring a word to you. But never forget that He has left HIS HOLY WORD for us. We learn from it. It is our food and sustenance. Everything we need to know is in that most incredible Book – penned by men, yes, but under the Inspiration of the Holy Spirit. Holy Holy Holy is the LORD God Almighty who was and who is and who is to come MARANATHA!
Oh my dear ….It is thie world we are living in. I myself am so homesick and I’m sure it is just this crazy world that is only getting more out of sorts every day, God ! Have mercy on us,,,your people.
I’ve asked Him to take me out of this wicked world but I’m still here for some reason, I don’t know what it is. It’s not to do music and guitar playing anymore, I can tell you that. It’s not to record records for another church so they can inflate the price in the church bulliton and fleece the congregation by presenting a “bill” 10x higher than I charged to deliver a mixed master tape, I can tell you that. It’s not to throw money at the televangelists either, I know that.
Perhaps I’m still here, suffering it out in many ways even though everything I actually need and some luxuries are provided almost instantly, just to be a light in the darkness. Am I a stumbling block to some? Yes. Am I a stepping stone to some? Yes.
I seem to be watching all this end times entertainment on the edge of my seat and just waiting. Waiting for only God knows what. Will I be taken in time? I don’t know. Will I deny Him at the guillotine? I don’t know. Peter was certain he wasn’t going to deny.
Will I be here still after the dust settles? I don’t know. I just know that there’s nobody. Nobody at all. Just God and I.
Oh, amen and amen. EVERYTHING is ultimately for God to receive Glory. He is the only One who is worthy of receiving GLORY.
Been where you are at. All I can offer is that God is supremely capable of using your situation for good. I have prayed for you.
Bless you, Kevin
So share your heartache and prayers. Not a day goes by that we don’t ask Father to draw our children in! Oh God how I pray for our grandchildren, all children. It is just getting so evil! How long Lord, how long?
My heart has been so filled with the verse, “ when the fullness of time had come!”
I so believe we are almost at the fullness of time again; the end of the church age!!
Praise God, the joy of the Lord, not the joy of the world which is our strength!!! Amen
Thank you Sweetie. Know we all feel this at times. Love in Christ Jesus.
I have been reading your articles for several years. You have been such a blessing to me. You are so open and honest when you write, I feel like I know know you personally. What profoundly strange (and difficult) times we are living in. It is like waking up every morning in the Twilight Zone. There has never been so much evidence that the Bible is true, from beginning to end, yet I have never seen people so blind – and hostile – to the truth. So heartbreaking, especially when some of our loved ones are among the blind. Anyway, I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate you, and that I am praying for you.
Thank you, sis. Hopefully, it won’t be long before we hear that trump of God!
Wish I could give you a great big hug right now!
You are not alone x
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I thank our Lord and Saviour for you and your edification of His church . Let us run the race to the end . Your sister in Christ .
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God bless you, sis.
Geri, I cannot thank you enough for having the courage to speak the truth about how you feel and what you are experiencing and not having to put on some fake face to show the world. I am desperate in my desire to connect with someone who can be genuinely honest about the reality of what many of us have in our heart right now. I will just share that I went to Israel a month ago, looking for Jesus in my desperation. I was going to throw myself at the foot of the cross literally and weep. When I finally made it to Golgotha, I saw how it was impossible to access, due to the Muslim buses backing up over the spot, with the Muslim cemetery hanging over it, and the call to prayer repeating endlessly that made it very difficult to focus on the truth of what I was seeing and feeling. I was numb. And the crush of people from every part of the world. The narcissistic pastor. The unbelieving Israeli tour guide. The regimentation. The 5G on steroids that gave everyone a headache. On one of the last nights there, I dreamed of being in a crucified position, with my arms held out. I felt my heart expand after feeling so restricted and crushed by the experience there. I keep my eye on my Lord, for He is risen, and we his church will reside with Him, and God shall wipe away all tears from our eyes; there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.
Susannah, I’m so sorry that you had that experience in Israel. It surely won’t be like that for us, when the New Jerusalem descends from heaven! I have always wanted to go to Israel, but I’m not allowed to fly – very long story concerning a twisted aberrant carotid artery. My doctors tell me that I could have a stroke.
Thank you for your honesty, I also suffer from intense loneliness (and occasional depression). I wanted to encourage you by sharing what the Lord’s used to help me when I am in despair and/or struggling; I listen to biblically based hymns on my phone or ipad. I carry the music from room to room as I go about my day, or have it on at work. Some times I am too sad or weak to open my Bible and read or study the Word of God; whereas listening to the hymns brings God’s Words straight in to my “ear-gate” and refreshes my soul & renews my mind.
“So then faith cometh by hearing, and hearing by the word of God.” Romans 10:17
Thank you for sharing.
I too face loneliness and I have feelings of being down. I am spending a lot more time in prayer. My own times of not writing are happening— my husband and I just moved. May The Lord Jesus also draw us all closer to Himself.
I have never commented or written to you before, but I am moved to today. I am on the cycle at the gym right now, praying for you with tears rolling down my face; who cares if anyone sees!
My heart aches for you and for all the pain that you’ve expressed in this post. You are certainly far from alone in your pain and loneliness and desire to see God end the wickedness of this world once and for all.
I pray that our Father would strengthen your heart and your hand in this time of great trial, and that He would have mercy on your family, that your grown up children would remember the lessons they once learned and their hearts would be opened to see Jesus as the Messiah and their only hope.
May His name be glorified in and through you and your struggles and honesty.
Blessings from a sister in Christ in New Zealand, at the ends of the earth.
On Mon, 9 Dec 2019 at 12:17 Absolute Truth from the Word of God wrote:
> Geri Ungurean posted: ” There have been times in the past six years when I > have felt to open myself up to my readers, regardless of ridicule or unkind > responses. This is one of those times. I was talking with a sister in > Christ today about how I was feeling. I can be m” >
What a precious sister in Jesus you are!! I cried when I read that you cried! What a glorious day when we are raptured from this dark and miserable place. We will be with our Savior and all together for eternity!!
Thank you sister Geri, we’ve had enough of happy-clappy superficial faith. Yes we have the joy of the Lord but we pick up our cross and follow a “Man of sorrows”.
I’ve struggled with depression, anxiety/panic attacks and despair. I find relief only in God’s presence, in His word and prayer.
Press on sister, we’re going to finish this race with arms raised!
Dear Geri…love all the comments and sharing what’s on your heart. The remnant is truly lonely and marginalized. The world hates us because they hate the God we serve. I have heard and have experienced the same as you and your dear readers have. I am determined to pray more for you and the remnant all over the world crying out to their heavenly Father for deliverance for their loved ones and children who are busy serving the enemy and attacking their parents for their faith. What helps me most when I find it so hard to pray is playing all the worship choruses of the 80’s and 90’s. I find it breaks the oppression and lifts my spirits.
Keep up the good work my dear sister and we all shall overcome by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of our testimony. Jesus is Lord.
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