There have been times in the past six years when I have felt to open myself up to my readers, regardless of ridicule or unkind responses.
This is one of those times.
I was talking with a sister in Christ today about how I was feeling. I can be myself with this sister. She never judges and she is a great listener. When I told her how I was feeling, she said to me that I would not believe how many Christians have written to her, expressing these same feelings.
I wrote not too long ago about the Loneliness of the Christian in these last days. I must say that I did not expect the number of emails about that article; mostly women telling me how they were struggling with this like never before.
Many thanked me for my honesty. I was glad that I wrote what was in my heart.
I have written many times that I have struggled with depression since childhood. I wouldn’t call it clinical depression – perhaps situational depression would be better.
Things that I’ve loved to do became more of a chore. Even my writing, which is my favorite thing to do for the Lord; I have questioned whether it might be coming to an end. But that didn’t make any sense to me. If anything, I would think that my writing would be even more important in these dark days.
I would pray to the Lord that if He wanted me to write, that He would let me know what that was. I heard nothing. This is the first time that this has happened in many years.
Ordinarily, I would open up my eyes in the morning and would feel energized and ready to do whatever the Lord would have me do. But not recently. Now, I open my eyes and wonder if I can even make it through another day.
A Terrible Confession
As my depression seemed to turn into total despair, I have actually gotten on my knees and asked the Lord if He would take me home. I’m sorry if this sounds very selfish, but I am opening up my heart and emotions to the reader. I must write how I am feeling.
Some of you may think “She should be stronger” or “She should be encouraging us.” Maybe this is a request for prayer – I just don’t know. But I think that Jesus wanted me to tell you just how low I have sunk.
I would never take my own life. NEVER. But asking Jesus to take me home is not suicidal. It is telling the One I love more than anyone in the world that I think that I’m at the end of my rope.
Smile and be Happy, Right?
I remember a woman in one of the first churches I ever attended, saw me in the hallway and asked what was wrong. I was not aware that my face reflected how I was feeling. I didn’t say much except that I felt a little down.
This woman gave me a lecture that Christians are supposed to smile even if we are dying on the inside. I asked her if that was not being disingenuous to put on the smile. She said that Jesus wants us to do this.
The Wickedness of this World
It really does not take very much digging to see that this world is NOTHING like it was when we were growing up. Sometimes it actually takes my breath away. Children in schools being taught the most obscene and disgusting things. Drag Queens reading to our children and the parents of those children acting like they are doing such a wonderful thing for their kids. It’s hard to even take this in.
What Happened to my Children?
Really – what happened to my three beautiful children who only wanted to hear Bible stories, and sing Christian songs; and draw pictures of Jesus and the Cross. What happened to them?
I went through a time when I blamed myself. Certainly it had to be something I did. My children are grown now with children of their own. They laugh and view me as a Jesus Freak. They don’t know why I take this so seriously. They say that they don’t even believe there is a God.
To say this breaks my heart is a gross understatement. If any of the readers have gone through this, have you met families who project that everything with their children is so perfect – everyone is saved and everything is just as it should be?
Maybe there are perfect Christian families. They are so blessed if it’s true.
Brethren, thank you for taking the time to read what is happening in my heart. I’m really not sure, if I do get responses, what those will be. But you know, that doesn’t really matter.
I feel so much better having written this piece.
This I know: God is good ALL the time; and ALL the time God is good.
“Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted in me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him for the help of his countenance. O my God, my soul is cast down within me: therefore will I remember thee from the land of Jordan, and of the Hermonites, from the hill Mizar.
Deep calleth unto deep at the noise of thy waterspouts: all thy waves and thy billows are gone over me. Yet the Lord will command his lovingkindness in the day time, and in the night his song shall be with me, and my prayer unto the God of my life.
I will say unto God my rock, Why hast thou forgotten me? why go I mourning because of the oppression of the enemy? As with a sword in my bones, mine enemies reproach me; while they say daily unto me, Where is thy God?
Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope thou in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God”. (Psalm 42:5-11) KJV